Alex and his Pet Monkey
by Neenuvar
Summary: Alex gets in a fight with his pet monkey, cause they hate each other, and they bring out other people to fight for them. ironic ending! A MUST READ!
1. Default Chapter

A/N this is my first fanfic, and my friend and I wrote this in school when we were EXTREMELY bored (coughhackspanishclasshackcough). AAAAnywhy, I hope you enjoy this story, even though it's extremely twisted and screwed up. Please R&R! NO FLAMES!  
  
  
  
(Theme Music) Dum, da da da dum da dum.Alex and his Pet Monkey! Dum da da dadum da dum (Theme music fades away)  
  
Alex once had a pet monkey that, if at all possible, was uglier than Alex. The monkey's name was Bababobo. Alex wanted to name the monkey Homer, but the monkey disliked that name. In fact, the monkey also disliked Spongebob Squarepants, Iron Chef, Star Wars, Lizzie McGuire, and Spiderman; these were all of Alex's favorite shows. One day Bababobo got really mad at Alex and leapt upon his head and started pulling out Alex's hair. "AAAHHHHHHH!!!!" Alex screamed in agony. Then Bababobo pulled out a tranquilizer and stabbed Alex in the arm, in high hopes of harming Alex. What Bababobo didn't realize was the tranquilizer was filled with fruit juice. Alex, being totally enraged, sent out Mr., his alter ego (a boulder). Bababobo, angry that the tranquilizer failed to work, sent out Raindrop, his archrival! A few minutes later, because it was so hot, Raindrop began to evaporate, so Bababobo sent out Christina Aguilera and Eminem. In return, Alex sent out J.Lo. Christina and J.Lo started to fight, while Eminem just stood there and rapped about hairy monkeys. After a while, Christina and J.Lo got tired of slapping each other and pulling each other's hair out, so Alex sent out Jerry Springer. Eminem jumped Jerry, and started fighting him, while J.Lo and Christina yelled "Jerry! Jerry!" in the background. As angry as he was, Bababobo sent out anything that came to his mind:Britney Spears. Mr.B all of a sudden stuffed baked beans down her throat. Alex then sent out Austin Powers. A.P. lunged at B.S., but recoiled back, for the reason that he smelt something. "Oops, I did it again!" Britney sang. Unluckily for A.P., he was intoxicated. Filled with rage, Bababobo sent out Gollum, and Alex sent out chickens. Gollum ate the chickens, but the chickens started pecking his stomach on the inside, causing internal bleeding. Alex next sent out Patrick. Just as Patrick came onto the field, Gollum made a recovery, and threw one of the chickens at Patrick. The chicken, clucking angrily, hit Patrick in the head! He fell down, in a heap on the floor. "Hot wings! Duuhhhh!" said Patrick dizzily. Alex, on his tether, brought out Harry Potter, and Bababobo brought out Lord Voldemort, and withdrew Gollum. "Hey, you snot-nosed scaly guy!" Harry said to Voldie, with an angry glint in his eye. "Look who's talking, Harry Pothead. You're a scar faced freak!" Voldie retorted with a snort.  
  
In wizarding combat, they withdrew their wands from their robes, and became ready. With a sudden rush, they brought their arms thundering down, and yelled out their incantations. Sparks flying, air almost suffocating with the tenseness, the spells struck at the same time. A blinding flash, accompanied with clap of unearthly sound, and who should pop out but....BUM BUMBUBMBUBUM!!!!!!!!! (More theme music!) (A/N you can deny the story, but you can't deny my score! Hehe! Don't worry; even I don't get my jokes sometimes!) After much delaying, where all the characters sat waiting, eating fruit salad, slushies, popcorn, and tea, they found out whom the 'mystery man/woman' was. It was Fr(censor noise) nah, just kidding! I'm good at delaying things, doncha think? ( Okay, please keep reading! I'll cry if you don't! ( It was..  
  
Frankie from Dreamstreet!  
  
All of a sudden, Frankie started singing, and it was sooooooo horrible, that Gollum started grabbing the chickens and making them poke his stomach to pieces. It was so horrible that Harry and Voldemort started sharing pink fluffy earmuffs, because there was only one pair.  
  
~~~~~Cut to Professor Sprout's living house~~~~~ (See a dark, Gothic living room, but she's got pink fluffy stuff all over the place)  
  
"Sure, they all go for the "masculine" earmuffs, but they'll take anything when they're in need!" she whispered evilly. She then starts laughing, an evil cackle, that fills the room, until she gets constipated, and starts chugging down Metamucil, accompanied by exlax pills.  
  
~~~~~Back to the story!!!!!!!~~~~~  
  
Frankie continues his abhorred racket, and people are flailing out on the floor, crying out in agony. Others were slumped against the wall, groaning in pain. Still, he continues singing. Pretty soon everyone is flat out against the floor, unconscious.  
  
"What'd I say?" Frankie asked, confused," oh well, there's others." He then strutted away, towards the nearest karaoke bar.  
  
~~~~~3 HOURS LATER!~~~~~~  
  
Bababobo woke up before the others, and laughed evilly to himself. " Now I shall build an army of cloned monkeys, insurance workers, used car dealers, door to door salesmen, and telemarketers. They will be under my command, and bumbumbum! MARTHA STEWART'S!  
  
That's it, but wait, there can be more! If I get enough reviews, I'll have a sequel, and it'll probably be better than what my friend and I wrote. Thanx!  
  
WARNING: if you don't read and REVIEW, I'll set my overweight cat on you, Frankie will sing a song for you especially, and Bababobo will pull your hair out. 


	2. Author's Note

A/N: I realized I needed a disclaimer, even though I made it, I still used characters that I don't own (why would I want to own jerry springer?), so anyway, here's my 'disclaim!' da da! Doncha just looove my theme music? (I get songs stuck in my head all day()  
  
Disclaimer: I own everyone! Every single person in my story! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!!!! ( all the people and authors that I said I owned but really didn't chase after me with pitchforks and begin hitting me with bats) ~*~*~* Judge Judy's Court~*~*~*~  
  
(reading off a notecard) I do NOT own any of the characters in my story, nor will I ever. I am so-rry for say-ing I did wheeen I did-in-'tttt. Frankie, I love your music and I want to hear one of your songs. Wait a min- (Frankie starts singing) me: "AAAHHHHHHHHH!" knocked unconscious.  
  
Also, thanks to all the people that have reviewed Lilblueappleblossom and The Spooky Chihuahua! Get your friends to read and review, and I'll post the sequel!  
  
ALSO, my friend and I have bits and pieces of the sequel coming together, just be patient; my friend and I are too busy in class to be bored (I'm still bored doing the work!(). I'll give you two little secrets that's coming in the sequel; grandmother's dentures and money sucking lawyers. Bye! 


	3. updatewake up!

A/N: Hey everyone, we're back! Okay, shut-up, I know we've taken forever to post the sequel, but Mrs. Wooley (our Spanish teacher) been giving us 5 pages of work each day.also, we decided this was going to be a trilogy, so there's still one more bit of work to be done before this tale ends. Lastly, we may not write for a while, b/c we're going to be writing a LOTR parody/story thing. So enjoy this while you can!  
  
Disclaimer: buy a squirrel.  
  
( theme music) Dum da-duda-da! Alex and his Pet Monkey! The Sequel! ( fading theme music )  
  
We begin our messed sequel in Bababobo's secret lair!.Wait, we tell a lie, considering that Bababobo's secret lair is nothing but a cardboard box behind the seven-eleven. The reason why Bababobo's secret lair is really crappy, is because he spent all the money he stole from Alex's wallet and from selling his grandmothers dentures on a big flashy neon sign that said "Bababobo's secret Lair!"(A/N: just think of the signs in Las Vegas and you have the idea.) " Chocolate! "Blueberry!" "Apple!" At this moment in Bababobo's lair a fight was going on between Martha Stewart'a army on whose pancakes were the best. Bababobo was fed up with them and decided that he might put them in a concealed chamber with no craft or cooking supplies, and only Teletubbies to watch. That then gave him another idea. To make his army greater he would clone the Teletubbies. While Bababobo was thinking of ways to clone Teletubbies, Alex was at the lawyer's office. Since Alex couldn't afford a good lawyer, he had to resort to Morgan, Colling, & Gilbert. "Howdy Mr.M, watcha calling me about?" Alex asked stupidly. "Well, Mr.A, I have some sorrowful news for you. It seems your grandmother's brother's sister's second cousin, twice removed, great-aunt's mother has passed away.." "I-I knew herrr s-so w-well!" Alex said tearfully. "Ahh, but your.whatever left you 12 million dollars," Morgan continued in a flat voice, "but due to lawyers fees, shipping and handling, employee workers expense, taxes, and illegal child labor laws, your total is.25 cents." "WHAT?!" Alex exclaimed incredulously," I CAN'T BUY ANYTHING WITH 25 CENTS!" "Pull yourself together man!" Morgan replied," you can buy gum!" "Huh, that's stupid! I'll have you know I use my credit card to buy gum!" Alex shot back smugly," Hey, wait, where's my credit card?" I want to speak with to Calling and Gilbert!" Alex demanded," I'm starting to think they're not real!" "No, no, they're just.indisposed." Morgan said vaguely, thinking of the straw dolls that had been pecked by crows.  
  
"Stupid Money-Sucking Lawyers!" Alex yelled as he walked out of the building. He was on his way to Bogin, Munns, & Munns to see if he could get a better deal than M, C, & G. Walking past a cornfield, he didn't notice the pecked straw dolls with the nametags Colling and Gilbert pinned on their pecked out chests. At this moment Bababobo was doing another one of his monkey schemes. He had kicked (really!) Martha Stewart out of his secret lair, and now she was drinking slurpees while color-coordinating the doughnuts at the seven- eleven. And Bababobo was. "Fine! You won't speak! But I have different uses for you now." Bababobo cackled evilly, casting a flashlight over.(A/N#1: Bababobo can't afford a spot-light! ha-ha! Sucks to be him!)  
  
MARTHA STEWART'S PAPER DOILIES! (A/N#2:You know, those little material things that old ladies keep on their couches and dinner tables!)  
  
"I shalt hold you ransom! MWUAHAHAHAHAHA! Now I need to send a message to Ms.Mc M.S.!"  
  
Bababobo ran around the front of the 7-11, and burst through the door, panting heavily.  
  
"NOOOOO! First Martha Stewart, now an evil monkey! This is a place of evil!" screeched the cashier/owner, while doing the cross sign with his fingers and jumping out the window. "Message for Martha Stewart!" said Bababobo. " How many times have I told you do not bother me when I'm color- coordinating the donuts!" she yelled. The owner peeked through the window." Leave the money for the slurpees on the counter," he said. Annoyed, Bababobo turned to the owner and yelled, " If you do not leave now, I will brainwash you and turn you into my personal slave who will pick the bugs out of my fur!" "AAAHHHH! Okay, I'm leaving," the owner yelled. " Crazy monkeys! Crazy monkeys! Bug and flea infested monkey with Martha Stewart! OH THE HORROR!" screamed the owner as he was running down the street. " You have fleas?!" cried Martha Stewart, " I cannot have my perfect self around a flea infested monkey!" " I wouldn't say that you were*cough* perfect," said Bababobo, " and I am not flea infested. For your information, I just happen to use Herbal Essences." "Don't touch the dou-" "Shut up woman!" cried Bababobo, while moving his hand away from the pastries, where Martha Stewart now held a steak knife. " Now to business," said Bababobo. " You're going to help me color-coordinate my donuts? Mmm! These are sooo good!" said Martha stuffing five donuts in her mouth at one time. " How do you stay so skinny?" asked Bababobo. " I don't know, said Martha, hiding a Slim Fast can," What's your business?" she said. Bababobo took 10 really big steps away from Martha as he eyed the steak knife. "I have taken your paper doilies," said Bababobo, getting ready to run. "What! You little-" "MWUHAHHAHAHAAHA!" he yelled, running off. He ran back, panting, and said, "If you want to talk ransom issues, enter my lair!" with that, he ran off, tripping on the empty slurpee cups along cups along the way.  
  
Alex sat in the office of Bogin, Munns, & Munns, waiting for Bogin to finish giving him a deal . "Well, Alex, I'm glad you came here," he said.  
That's it so far. Did you like it? Of course you did, it's unlikable. And yes, this has nothing to do with HP, but I couldn't think of another place to put this.Oh yeah, just in case I didn't make this clear, don't take offense for anything we write. Okay? It's just for fun, humor, parody, that kind of stuff. Sometimes it's good to laugh at your own hobbies. Stayed tuned for the next part, and keep your eyes open for our LOTR parody/story thing! ~Debbie Christenson & Cathie Barnabee (not our real names! Haha! You'll never find out!) 


	4. NOTICE! read now

I replaced the chapter with the new one over the doubled first chapter, so read it. I'm just telling everyone so they don't think I didn't update, when I did. Anyway, that's it, just getting everything straightened out, and also, I said you couldn't not like the story, not that the story was unlikable. I didn't mean that, I've been brain-dead ever since I got back from school.  
  
OH MY GOSH! WHAT IS THAT? IT'S HIDEOUS!  
  
Oops, my bad, it was just the REVIEW BUTTON! well, now that you know where it is, shouldn't you press it? Of course! It wouldn't be cool if you didn't. If you have a comment that you just want to start b.s.ing about and send a review as, tough. I'll accept critical reviewers, but not people who just want to cuss and crap when they can't do any better.  
  
SEE YA! 


	5. Ice Weasels and Pepper Spray!

Why hello hello hello our adoring fans! Yes, I know we haven't written in awhile, but these works of masterpieces take time! Anyway, it was summer vacation, what do you expect? Anyway, we have shocking news we must complain about..  
  
PEOPLE HAVE BEEN STEALING OUR MATERIAL!!!!! (GASP!)(FAINT!)(DIE!) Yes, sadly, this is a fact, some1 stole something very original to us, Bababobo's secret lair!!! If you want to use our material, ask us and say you got the idea from us in your beforeword..thing.Anyway! On with the very short chapter which we'll write more to later soon, such as this month!!!!  
  
DiScLaImEr: we don't own cranky old lawyers. Only monkeys craving world domination, and the other stuff we thought of which movie directors and authors want real bad!  
  
We return to our story at Bogin, Muns, and Muns where Alex is talking to  
  
Bogin......  
  
"Well Alex, i'm glad you came here," Bogin said. "Why, so you can steal my  
  
MONEY?!" Alex screamed, his eyebrows frowning , so that they almost looked like Elrond's."Cause I can't take anymore of this!," sceamed Alex. "After what Morgan did to me!" "What?!?!" yelled Bogin, so loud that Alex fell out of his chair. "You went to those  
  
know-it-alls?!"  
  
"Calm down.....,"said Alex slowly. "No! I will not calm down!!" Bogin's eyes flashed red, and he started to foam at the mouth. "Everyone goes to them! No one comes to US! They just think that they can do whatever they want and rule the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Alex, who was sitting in his chair again, was fingering his Martha  
  
Stewart's pepper spray in his pocket. Yes. Her company makes pepper spray. Alex was one of the few who knew about her secret company. This company made things like "Martha Stewart's Do It Yourself Surgery Kits", "M S's Potato Guns, and other things like that. Bogin, who was finally calming down, sat down in his chair. Alex breathed a sigh of relief.  
"No, no, Alex, i'm your 'friend', i would never do what that meanie Morgan  
  
did to you...," Bogin replied smoothly, as if he had never had a temper  
  
tantrum.  
"Sniff...really?" Alex asked, his eyes twinkling in tears. "Of course...in fact, since i'm your friend, i'll let you borrow my special  
  
floral patterned Martha Stewart Hanky!" Bogin said, "But not until we get  
  
back to our deal!" Bogin began going through 'important papers' which were just photos of catuses dressed in Halloween costumes and neon squirrel cages. "Okay, just a sec...hmm...hhhmmmm...hhhhhhmmmmmmmmmm..................  
  
hhhhh- hhhhhhmmmmmm...................(Big breath)hh-" "STOP IT! I SAID STOP! YOU'RE TEARING ME APAAAAARRRRRTTTTTT!!!!!!" Alex  
  
exclaimed, a mad glint in his eye, "go 'hhmmmmm' one more time, and i'll  
  
punch you with my Hulk Hands(trademark)!"  
  
"OK! OK.....,"Said Bogin.  
  
Bogin then thought of something. What people didn't know was that B, M,  
  
and M had a secret lab chamber underground. They used it as a place to  
  
force people to watch re-runs of Blue Clues, Queer Eye For The Straight Guy,  
  
and The Bachelor, so the people would be tortured into giving them more  
  
money and so that the people would be tortured into spying on other people  
  
for them.  
  
"Now all i have to do,"thought Bogin," is to get Mr. Alex down there. I've got it!  
  
Look! It's a parade full of mechanical monkeys doing the Can-Can!," yelled  
  
Bogin, pointing out his window. As Alex ran for thhe window and plastered  
  
himself to the window, Bogin put two of "Martha Stewart's I'm Wide Awake  
  
and I Want Someone to Knock Me Out" pills in Alex's coffee that Bogin gave  
  
him when Alex first came in.  
  
Meanwhile, Bababobo was discussing ransom plans with Martha Stewart. "Give them back!" "NO!" "Give them back!" "After much thought an consideration, I've decided-NO!" "Give them back!" "NO!" "Give them back!" "I have a better idea. I'll have a loverly tea party with my army of car dealers and telemarketers, and I'll use the paper doilies to keep doughnuts over filling with jelly in them-" "No! Jelly from doughnuts would stain my precious little babies!"Martha exclaimed. "Shut-up woman! I wasn't finished!!After that, I'll throw them away, and not even bother to use a paintbrush to wipe the crumbs off them!" "NNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"  
  
At that moment Bababobo's cell phone went off.*phone ring* "  
  
brass monkey! That funky monkey!"  
"Hello? Yes, this is Bababobo. Oh, hey Pinto!.wait, what? AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!NOT THE ICE WEASELS!!!!AHHHHHHHH!!!!yes, I can hold. Oh, do I want a new mattress?Well, now that you menti- No, goodbye!"  
"Hey, Martha, Pinto was just on the phone, he said the ice weasels are attacking my army."  
While Bababobo was on the phone, Martha had stolen her doilies, but she had also left a present on his desk. Inspecting it, he discovered they were a new pair of shiny socks!ooohhhhh!  
"Well, that was nice of her! Hey, what's that pattern..Oh my good gracious me! It's ice weasels! AAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" Bababobo ran out of his 'office' and down to Bogin, Munns, and Munns to ask for help.  
  
That was it, now, Cathie and I are going to wait for the reviews to pour in.  
  
WAIT! WE NEED TO GO OVER THE REVIEWING RULES!!!!  
  
We don't care if you think Frankie is a good singer or Morgan and Munns saved you money. It's extremely annoying getting e-mails from crazed fangirls getting mad at us for poking fun at Frankie. We're going to do it. Get used to it.  
  
Don't send us reviews saying we suck and all. We only accept constructive critizing reviews. That and reviews saying that you adore our story.  
  
EVERY REVIEWER GETS A FREE CAN OF MARTHA STEWART PEPPER SPRAY!!!  
YAY FOR PEPPER SPRAY!!!  
  
Thank you all!!!!  
  
Just a sec.I'm sorry about telling you those rules, I sounded like a  
pruny old fart. To make up for it, if you review in the first day the new  
chapter goes out, you get a free Alex target to aim at! Enjoy!!!!  
  
P.S. we know this is only about .00000000000000000001% dealing with HP,  
but despite that fact, it's a nice bedtime story to read to your cat. 


End file.
